One List Away From Crazy (SOL Day 13)

I like to make lists.

It’s a hobby of mine
A refreshing way to clear my mind
Start the day, the week, the month

As I set my goals, finish tasks, and start again
I’ve begun to wonder,

is my life
a to-do list?

check off
the boxes

became successful. check.
loved myself. check.
showed gratitude. check.
healed emotional wounds. check.
stood up for something. check.

One instagram post
and another

tells the world
I reached my goals

But where am I now
because it doesn’t feel like the top

My old problems
are flooding the basement

I thought they were gone
but now my boxes of memories are soaked

molded on the bottom
the cardboard floating apart

My fears have returned
bigger and bolder

I used to lie awake
afraid you might attack me when my eyes shut

Now the person I fear
stares back at me in the mirror

She does not
back down easily
she is the toughest critic
she knows my history
and what buttons to push

These habits,
they’re not mine.
maybe once long ago

I’m trying them on
you see,
like my old pair of jeans
that sits in the back closet
the one in the guest room no one uses
with the other clothes I save for later

to see if they fit better now
on a new me

Turns out that even if I’ve changed
those jeans still look the same
those habits still give the same results
and they don’t look so good on me

I’ve still got work to do
I’m in the process
I’m learning
I’m not there yet
and there is no there
It’s just me
and my goals
and I’m throwing out
the pen and paper
I’ll leave this box unchecked
until the day I die

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