When it Matters

It doesn’t matter how slow I run
if I won’t run at all
I say my thighs rub together
My shorts–they don’t fit right

It doesn’t matter how my body feels
if I choose to numb it
food today, wine tonight
a schedule so tight so I can’t stop to feel

It doesn’t matter how I am at my job
if I tell myself I’m a failure
One more step up the ladder
but I can’t even see the top

It doesn’t matter what my body looks like
if I hate it
cover it up, tugging at my shirt to hide my belly
one more diet might make it right

It doesn’t matter how much money I make
if it will never be enough
the obsession with numbers
the feeling of impossible

It doesn’t matter how few friends I have
if I’m not one of them
if I know myself the least
and apologize for existing

It doesn’t matter if you love me
if I can’t love myself
I stand in the mirror and say it
but it feels like a lie

I won’t make you promises I can’t keep
I’ll lie awake at night instead
running through the script in my head
When will it matter?
And–can I handle being me?
I swallow my fears
up until the sun rises
look myself in the eyes
and give it one more try.

Photo by Emilie

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